Responses to are you dating anyone
The implication is always the same regardless of context; if you haven’t gotten married yet, then there must be something wrong with you.Singles often have to deal with condescending comments like “ Even if there are substantive emotional challenges with which one is struggling, these would probably not be something people would want to share, especially after being placed on the defensive.
Counter-attacking people for their rudeness might feel good in the moment as a way to salvage your dignity, but not only can you come across as unhinged, but you do little to educate well-meaning people as to their insensitivity. When someone asks, “why aren’t you married yet” they’re imposing a social stigma, that is the cultural expectation that people ought to get married, and by a certain point in their lives.
On the other hand, not everyone is willing to engage in a detailed conversation, let alone / rebuke, which means an effective response has to be as short as the other person’s attention span. The problem of course is that people don’t get married to ideas or expectations (excluding metaphors or new-age weddings), they get married to have married.
My suggestion is that the next time someone asks you (or about someone else), “Why aren’t you married yet? The set of people anyone could have married can only include the smaller subset of people with whom one has had a relationship and where the other person wanted to get married. ” without knowing someone’s life or the details of every previous personal relationship.
After all, in both Jewish and secular law, you cannot get married to people who aren’t interested. Only the most socially inept would respond by asking why you didn’t get married to a specific previous significant other, and at a point it would be completely socially acceptable to inform them that your previous relationships are none of their business, or ask them why they think your life would have been better had you married that person. ” you not only address the substance of the question directly, but you also reframe the concept of relationships from societal expectations to personal reality.
I’m guessing if you’re reading this blog you’ve probably gotten this question yourself.
Maybe you were in your 20’s when all your friends were getting engaged and married (at least for the first time), or maybe you’re advanced in your 30’s, 40’s, or older.Even if you’ve been lucky enough to have friends and family who are too polite to say this to your face, you might have heard it said about others behind their backs.Even in dating, you might find someone who is more suspicious of someone who has never been married than someone who has been divorced or widowed.Instead of being forced to defend your life choices or circumstances, you subtly remind people that you’re not just a statistic or nameless interchangeable single person, but that you’re an individual with specific unique experiences.This includes not just finding the right person, but doing so at the right time for both of you.Societal expectations dictate that “getting married” is more important than the quality of the marriage.